Fear

"Those God uses greatly seem to greatly battle fear." -Beth Moore



I have had the priviledge of doing a study by Beth Moore on the patriarchs in the Bible. It has been great so far, as expected. This week as I was listening to her on the DVD, the words above penetrated my soul. I heard the rest of the lesson, I wrote down the answers to all the fill in the blanks, but I could not escape. "Those God uses greatly seem to greatly battle fear."



In my life, I have greatly battled fear. I have also had a strong desire to be used greatly by God. I struggle with the thought of the two being intertwined, and yet, strangely, it makes sense. Not long ago, fear had become the norm, a way of life. I had no reprive. For several years, I battled panic. I couldn't sit in church without my heart pounding, my mind racing. I struggled to concentrate on conversations, or movies because I was consumed to my core. I would lay awake at night tossing and turning, sweating, struggling to breathe...paralyzed. I begged God on many occasions to heal me, to give me peace. He always answered, and gave me peace for a time, but it wasn't long before I allowed myself to be enslaved once again.



Strangely, throughout this time, I still had a strong desire to do something great for God. I thought that He would use me in a particular way. I had lofty goals, all of which remained unsaid, but lingered proudly in my thoughts and dreams. I was sure that I would be great. That greatness was essential for success...greatness measured by man himself. Therein lies the problem...I would be great. Of course, in my mind I would be doing great things for God, but would the glory be given to God or man?



In July of 2006, my family took a vacation together. Things were going great, I was happy, I was at peace. I was surrounded by my family, never alone, but one night as I was trying to go to sleep, my heart began to race. I began to sweat, and I thought I was dying. I ran down the stairs, where my brother, his wife Christina, and my mom were talking. They immediately noticed something wrong and started to pray. We prayed for hours, literally, for God to deliver me from fear...for me to be released from this oppresion that had taken over my life. God was faithful, is faithful. I can honestly say that I have not had dibilitating fear since that day, July 4, 2006. I have had battles with it, but in the end there is victory. Interestingly enough, my turning point was Independence day...a coincidence? Absolutely not. His every move is intentional, down to the finest detail.



Since that time, my thoughts on being used greatly by God have changed. I admire those who He has called to become public figures for His cause. I also see that there are so many who God uses greatly without their knowledge of it. I hope to be a person, despite my struggles with fear, who can be used by God. I have noticed that He uses me the most when I have the least amount of strength to do it on my own. It is then that I have to completely rely on Him, casting all my fears on Him, depending on Him for every step. Sometimes what God has called us to do seems so insignificant and menial, going unnoticed by others. It is in those times where no glory can come to us, no credit can be given. It is then that He can weave us into the fabric of His great plan. How can we ask for more? Fear, or whatever issue is at hand at the moment, has a way of keeping me on my knees, allowing God to lift my eyes to Him...and away from myself...looking to Him for the next step, which is where I need to be. I wan't to be greatly used by God, even if it means that I greatly battle fear.