Fear

"Those God uses greatly seem to greatly battle fear." -Beth Moore



I have had the priviledge of doing a study by Beth Moore on the patriarchs in the Bible. It has been great so far, as expected. This week as I was listening to her on the DVD, the words above penetrated my soul. I heard the rest of the lesson, I wrote down the answers to all the fill in the blanks, but I could not escape. "Those God uses greatly seem to greatly battle fear."



In my life, I have greatly battled fear. I have also had a strong desire to be used greatly by God. I struggle with the thought of the two being intertwined, and yet, strangely, it makes sense. Not long ago, fear had become the norm, a way of life. I had no reprive. For several years, I battled panic. I couldn't sit in church without my heart pounding, my mind racing. I struggled to concentrate on conversations, or movies because I was consumed to my core. I would lay awake at night tossing and turning, sweating, struggling to breathe...paralyzed. I begged God on many occasions to heal me, to give me peace. He always answered, and gave me peace for a time, but it wasn't long before I allowed myself to be enslaved once again.



Strangely, throughout this time, I still had a strong desire to do something great for God. I thought that He would use me in a particular way. I had lofty goals, all of which remained unsaid, but lingered proudly in my thoughts and dreams. I was sure that I would be great. That greatness was essential for success...greatness measured by man himself. Therein lies the problem...I would be great. Of course, in my mind I would be doing great things for God, but would the glory be given to God or man?



In July of 2006, my family took a vacation together. Things were going great, I was happy, I was at peace. I was surrounded by my family, never alone, but one night as I was trying to go to sleep, my heart began to race. I began to sweat, and I thought I was dying. I ran down the stairs, where my brother, his wife Christina, and my mom were talking. They immediately noticed something wrong and started to pray. We prayed for hours, literally, for God to deliver me from fear...for me to be released from this oppresion that had taken over my life. God was faithful, is faithful. I can honestly say that I have not had dibilitating fear since that day, July 4, 2006. I have had battles with it, but in the end there is victory. Interestingly enough, my turning point was Independence day...a coincidence? Absolutely not. His every move is intentional, down to the finest detail.



Since that time, my thoughts on being used greatly by God have changed. I admire those who He has called to become public figures for His cause. I also see that there are so many who God uses greatly without their knowledge of it. I hope to be a person, despite my struggles with fear, who can be used by God. I have noticed that He uses me the most when I have the least amount of strength to do it on my own. It is then that I have to completely rely on Him, casting all my fears on Him, depending on Him for every step. Sometimes what God has called us to do seems so insignificant and menial, going unnoticed by others. It is in those times where no glory can come to us, no credit can be given. It is then that He can weave us into the fabric of His great plan. How can we ask for more? Fear, or whatever issue is at hand at the moment, has a way of keeping me on my knees, allowing God to lift my eyes to Him...and away from myself...looking to Him for the next step, which is where I need to be. I wan't to be greatly used by God, even if it means that I greatly battle fear.

True Love

I went to the wedding of my friend this past weekend. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, and I was reminded of what loving someone really means. The pastor read the familiar 1Corinthians 13:4-8, that I have heard many times before, especially at weddings. However, this time it really hit home, giving me a fresh perspective on how to love my husband and children with true love,as defined by God himself. So I decided to jot down a few things that came to mind as I heard, again, how to make love an action, not just a word or feeling. Each piece of the puzzle alone is wonderful, but when put together creates God's masterpiece...so important to Him that it is the greatest commandment...to love him, and love others. I pray that I can put love into action, and by doing that, become more like Christ.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)
4Love is patient,when the kids get out of bed for the 100th time...in one night! Love is kind, even when others are not. It does not envy time spent away from home, or the seemingly unfair amounts of hobbies... it does not boast,even when it would be nice to remind him that you have done the dishes, cleaned the house, and changed diapers way more often than he has. It is not proud, readily admitting wrong doing, and seeking forgiveness. 5It is not rude,even when that sweet man you married asks you why the laundry isn't done, or if you need a bigger sink to house all of the dirty dishes! It is not self-seeking,but goes out of its way to find ways to serve them, making their day go smoothly, without expecting the same in return. It is not easily angered, especially over silly things like a messy room or short attention spans. it keeps no record of wrongs.but forgives easily, wholeheartedly, with abandon 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects,not just physically, but emotionally. Always trusts,even when not trustworthy always hopes,looking for the absolute best, bringing out the best qualities. Always perseveres through moves, children, financial difficulty, tantrums, stages, and spiritual dryness to name a few. Love never fails. The perfect love of Christ, that He has graciously extended to us, is ours to share with the World, starting in our own homes.

I can only hope to be the kind of mother and wife that can exemplify true love to my family. There are times when I am unlovely...yet I am still so loved by the God who created me, and also by my husband, and wonderful girls. Change me, Oh God...help me to really love my family the way You, Lord, have loved me.